And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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