the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
