You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
