oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
