All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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