Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
