Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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