I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
