oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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