I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
