I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
