I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
