First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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