this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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