my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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