Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
