she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
