I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
