someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
