So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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