i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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