before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
