I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
