So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
