she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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