well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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