i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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