but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
3pm strippers are depressing
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
