We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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