I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
