You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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