Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
