New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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