and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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