Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
