Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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