Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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