They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
