My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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