First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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