there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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