Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
