My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
