saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
