Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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