she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
