nut hugger
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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