So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
