I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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