I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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