Please don't use social media to get back at me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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