just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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